Being Authentically Me

Deep breath.  OK.  So, something a bit different today, I fancied a chat about what has been going on, what I’m up to and all that jazz.  2018 is the year I’m going to focus more on the fraudy feelings, or impostor syndrome as it’s most commonly known!  I attended a conference at the end of last year, I was working but I did get to sit in on all of the talks – win.  One that spoke to me the most was on impostor syndrome.  It is something that has been at the front of my head for a while.

Let’s rewind further.  While in Bali I mention the power of yoga and how I’d had a bit of a breakthrough in letting go of a lot of past hurt and some emotional baggage I’d been clinging to.  Win!  After returning to the UK and gradually settling back into life, my anxiety and stress levels started to grow by the day.  With that came the little voice of doubt.  That nagging suspicion that I sucked at my job, that I was going to be fired any day, that something was about to go wrong in my life and how dare I think I can continue on this path of self growth after Bali.  How rude.

Yeah.  We’ve all heard that annoying little voice, pick, pick, pick, pick.  As we all do, I swallowed it and kept moving forward.  Of course the voice grew.  What did I do?   I decided I had learnt something from Bali.  I was going to smile back and figure it out.  Seriously.  Something resonated with me in the talk that I heard in Manchester.  There was also a talk on anxiety, again, it spoke to me and it couldn’t have been better timed.  It got my brain thinking positively, that I wasn’t alone.  I decided to engage more with the people around me – I generally seem pretty friendly anyway, but I’m also very guarded, I will go off on my own to recover after too much of people, I get overwhelmed and exhausted, so it’s often a good thing to have that quiet time – however, it can be a bad thing if over done.  I stew.  I mean I reallllllllly stew.  Christ, I still replay conversations from over a decade ago, wishing I could say things differently.  I guess we all do though.

So what is the point of this post? It’s all a bit rambly.  I just wanted to share that I’ve kinda figured it out a bit.

I’ve always been a bit scared of showing the full me… no not a full monty people, focus.

Let me explain.  I am a walking contradiction.  I love quiet days, reading, playing card games, listening to records, knitting or crocheting (a newly acquired skill) and hiding from the world.  I love going for walks in the countryside and I ache to own a dog I can walk and love and give lots of belly scratches – I also love wall climbing, adrenaline sports, hanging out with friends, nights out, long chats, parties and laughing until you can’t sit straight and not having any dependents.  I love travelling, learning about new cultures, staring at stunning architecture, having adventures and discovering new foods – as well as getting home, unpacking, getting the washing on and having some sort of routine. I love all things vintage but then I love all things new and techie.  OK, the list could go on and on,  this is not new, I reckon most of us are like this.  I often compare it to fashion, some people are all about the goth vibes and wear that 90% of the time, some folks fancy wearing that only the odd day, other times they’re more vintage, sometimes they just fancy jeans and a nice top…

Online I’ve always shown a small percentage of me.  This is pretty standard practice.  I definitely demonstrated my colourful side – but this side got hidden away when I was with certain people.  I just didn’t want to deal with their reaction.  Something else I have gotten bad at again is questioning.  I used to be the queen of the why.  Over time I stopped because I became embarrassed and a bit ashamed.  I must be stupid if I don’t know what they’re talking about – then I’d sneak off to look it up.  Why needs to make a come back.  I want to understand people’s thinking more than anything else.

OK, I’m rambling again.

Lately I’ve given myself some space to think.  I want to address my fraudy feelings.  First is my work life.  I can be pretty damn good at what I do, I know I can – something I need to remind myself of.  I was ace at this because I used to set aside time every week to get up to speed on the latest information, on the current climate and the newest technology and adjust.  That stopped, I got swept up in getting the work done.  That has to change.  So I’m going to allocate time each week to read up on the latest.  I have ideas I’d love to execute, however, they need more careful planning and I want to actually put forward proposals for them.  I want to start testing new waters.  I also want to make sure the information I’m providing training on is good, current information for people to build their business on… pressure lol.

I also want to improve my skills more. So each month I’m going to allocate a skill I want to learn and practice.  For January, I’ve learnt to crotchet – so much fun by the way, new love!  For February, I’m going to focus on photo editing.   Simon got me a very handy manual for Affinity Photo – the app I use, it rocks by the way.  The book has projects throughout, so I’m going to start ticking those off.

In my personal life I’m just going to be more open with myself.  I’m a very spiritual person, not necessarily religious, although the silent catholic in me would disagree – the whole contradiction again.  I’m learning to trust my intuition again…how?  Through tarot cards.  OK, a wee bit of woo for you.  I don’t read the cards to tell me my future or anything like that.  I do it to help me make decisions, to be aware of certain things.  I think it’s just a way of tapping into my subconscious to help me make the decision I already know the answer to.  Does that make sense?  It helps to free up my mind a bit.  It also forces me to meditate each day – I like to clear my mind beforehand before I ask my daily question, I’m squeezing in my meditation.  You should check out Biddy Tarot, she explains it in a much better fashion.

2018 is the year I’m going to allow myself to be myself.  I’m wry of being different for different people.  It will be a struggle as I aim to please and fit the mould expected of me. However, fuck it frankly!  I’m 36 and I’m tired, I am going to be unashamedly me.  Don’t get me wrong, I am lots of different people all rolled into one.  I love so many different things that I often had different friends for the different parts of me.  I kid you not.  Again, I don’t think I’m alone in that either.  The point being, I won’t dull myself to fit in.  So there you go, I’m sharing almost all of me…gotta keep something back for me still.  I’m just aiming to be more open and to help others do the same.

Here have a picture of me attempting to get a jumping picture – epic fail and there were people walking along, thinking I’m mental.  True story!

Jumping Fail

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